Contactless shopping is my own personal paradise. — Ok, family, I’m heading out to do my curbside shopping, and nothing’s going to interrupt my day of effortless bliss. I’ve got to pick up all of your “but I need this” requests without moving from the comforts of my SUV. If you need me, sorry, I can’t be bothered…

Dracula: Enter my house freely and of your own will and place the packages near the pile of boxes filled with consecrated dirt. I have tried to add “shopper’s blood” to my order, but I could not find it in the beverages department. Would you be ok with lending me…

We’re so excited to find a place to stay for the Fourth of July, we’re going to ignore all the red flags about this vacation rental and hit reserve before someone else snags it. There is nothing strange about a quaint historic house where you can’t check in after 5…

“I’m eager to influence impressionable young minds.” — To The Principal at the Saint-Rémy-de-Provence: I hear, through my one good ear, that you are in need of an Arts & Crafts teacher, and I am the perfect person for this position. I worked briefly as an assistant teacher, so I have experience dealing with the challenging ways of…

For the mom who has to clean up the mess after the Mother’s Day flowers accidentally end up on the floor: 2. For the mom who has three carpools to run before 9 AM:

Marjorie Taylor Greene said that Ukraine’s openness over the past few years to form alliances with the West amounted to agitating Russia, or “poking the bear,” as she called it. — Forbes, March 22, 2022 You poked him because: He was eating peanut butter in a nut-free zone. 2. You found him in…

Literature’s famous jilted bride is out for revenge! — 8:40 AM/Sunrise: I know today is Valentine’s Day even though I stopped my clocks and lost track of time when I was jilted on my wedding day. I can feel the romance in the air just as I feel the itch upon my raw skin. The idea of sweet love…

Time to get back to basic germs. — Friends, I just got over Omicron, so let’s party! I’ve spent a lot of time in bed watching TikToks and I’m all inspired to create one of those overflowing nacho tables. I’m planning on making the sickest one, where I’ll pour out a whole mix of ingredients directly onto a…

A Bob Saget Tribute — Sweetie, how cute you look on the outside is not nearly as important as how angry you feel on the inside. Especially during Daddy’s Zoom meeting, when your tantrum over your “bad” building blocks consumes the entire house. Do you need a hug? I’m behind you, no matter what you…