Musings from Pearl Milling, who might be an actual person, we’re not sure.

I hear some of you might be upset with me for replacing Aunt Jemima on store shelves. Believe me, I was shocked to not find my face on packaging that looked like it was designed by the same people who make flyers for personal injury lawyers. With Microsoft Publisher.

I know when they were rebranding, they were trying to be as un-racist as they could be, so they chose my name — which is in no way reminiscent of mills or any southern-labor type thing. The fact that they chose me, Pearl, when oysters are not an ingredient, just shows you how inclusive they are. My name alone represents all types of food, people, and precious stones worn by those in residence at Buckingham Palace.

I think I’m doing a good job, so far, in erasing all stereotypes that might come with making pancakes from a boxed-mix assembled in a factory. So please don’t boycott me for Mrs. Butterworth. She might be rich and thick, but I have history and stock fruit photos on my packaging design. Plus, Mrs. Butterworth sounds like she’s Lady Whistledown’s housekeeper. I hear she might be getting new branding too. Maybe the folks over at their rebranding agency will want to emulate me and rename her something like “Ruby Hull” or “Emerald Plantings.”