Image by ONYXprj on iStock

“Across this country, far too many communities are struggling with crumbling roads and structurally unsound bridges, outrageous congestion, lead-coated pipes and no broadband access. You don’t hold up a major priority of the country, and millions of jobs, as some form of leverage. The infrastructure bill is not a political football.” — Democratic members of the House of Representatives from Georgia, Hawaii, California, Texas, Maine, New Jersey, and Oregon in The Washington Post, August 22, 2021

Attached you will find my application to your prestigious art college sent via homing pigeon instead of by email. My small, rural town just…

1st Month:

All illustrations by Rebekah Hair.

Hey there, baby!?!?!!? Totally thought I was going into perimenopause. But turns out — the night sweats, hot flashes, and moodiness were all you! They are going to do some extra monitoring because I’m a geriatric millennial and this is a geriatric pregnancy.

That means — take a deep breath of amniotic fluid for this one — you’re going to have one of the oldest mamas in your class. But you should know, I’m still pretty hip. I kept my entire collection of Garbage Pail Kids. It’s vintage now like my uterus. And it’ll soon be all yours.

Image by Pink_frog on iStock

“Millions of households could face eviction over the next month — when lawmakers on are on their annual August recess — and some have predicted a full-blown eviction crisis, just as a surge in Covid cases from the highly contagious Delta variant may be prompting renewed calls for people to stay home and keep their distance.” CNN, August 2, 2021

And it came to pass, on the thirty-sixth day of the flood, before the waters had receded, that the Lord remembered Noah and all the animals that were allowed to live on the ark without risk of eviction. …

Illustration by Dan Shultz

The mother looked forward to summer vacation. She thought of the homework struggle that happened every night. It was ugly like a bullfight. She did not want to supervise mathematics problems. She wanted to travel to golden beaches. She did not want to go over third-grade spelling. She wanted to go to the zoo on any day but a Sunday. The mother did not care if she sounded like a bitch. She was tired. She wanted to feel new again, like a pair of baby shoes, never worn.

Soon after school ended, the mother went to clean out the daughter’s…

The Vaccinator:

Climb to over 300 feet at a speed of 70 miles an hour. Get a dose of the COVID vaccine. Have your photo snapped at the top of the ride for convenient social media sharing. Scream because it’s summer again! Also because last year’s shorts are too tight. Or maybe it’s just the centripetal force of the coaster pushing at your stomach? Yeah, that’s totally it.

Adrenaline Rush:


Image by Jim Larkin on iStock

“Congressional action on federal voting rights legislation must be the result of both Democrats and Republicans coming together to find a pathway forward or we risk further dividing and destroying the republic we swore to protect and defend as elected officials.” — Sen. Joe Manchin, D-W.Va (NBC News, June 16, 2021)

One day there was a Manchin on his way to Washington with a Donkey and an Elephant. The Elephant was going on and on about who should be allowed to vote. The Donkey tried to slip him some peanut sleeping pills but they didn’t work. The Elephant kept talking…

Photo by Evan Wise on Unsplash

“I want to be clear to folks in this region who are thinking about making that dangerous trek to the United States-Mexico border: Do not come. Do not come.” — Kamala Harris (Source: AP)

Hey there. Just stopping by to say hi. How’s the weather over there? It’s pretty sunny on my side of the fence. We’ve got plenty of good food, and I know you want a taste of it — I heard those climate-change hurricanes destroyed most of your crops. But, here’s the thing. You know how I told you to come over whenever you wanted for barbecue…

Hello there. I’ve been hired by the state to check up on you. You might be alone at home getting ready to binge some Netflix when I call. My number will be mysterious on the caller ID, and you might think it’s your boyfriend’s new cell number. But it’s me, Ghostface, just calling to say hi and give you a little jolt.

I will be compassionate and empathetic at first but don’t get too comfortable. You’re going to have to spill your guts so I can reach everyone in your bubble. …

I hear some of you might be upset with me for replacing Aunt Jemima on store shelves. Believe me, I was shocked to not find my face on packaging that looked like it was designed by the same people who make flyers for personal injury lawyers. With Microsoft Publisher.

I know when they were rebranding, they were trying to be as un-racist as they could be, so they chose my name — which is in no way reminiscent of mills or any southern-labor type thing. The fact that they chose me, Pearl, when oysters are not an ingredient, just shows…

Rochelle Elana Fisher

Copywriter/Humorist. Read my mind @SlackjawHumor @PointsinCase @The_Belladonnas @DailyDrunkMag @littleoldlady__ Also copy in a 2006 era VIAGRA brochure.

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