Hey, thanks for having me over! I know I’m insanely early, but don’t mind me. I’m just going to stand here in the kitchen as you fiddle with the turkey. I would offer to help you prep for the thirteen people you invited, but I would just make things worse…

Mr. & Mrs. Elliot tried very hard to have a baby. They tried as much as Mrs. Elliot could handle at the age of forty. Many people believed they were not having a baby because of a problem with Mrs. Elliot, who was a woman and women disintegrate easily. Especially…

Contactless shopping is my own personal paradise. — Ok, family, I’m heading out to do my curbside shopping, and nothing’s going to interrupt my day of effortless bliss. I’ve got to pick up all of your “but I need this” requests without moving from the comforts of my SUV. If you need me, sorry, I can’t be bothered…

Dracula: Enter my house freely and of your own will and place the packages near the pile of boxes filled with consecrated dirt. I have tried to add “shopper’s blood” to my order, but I could not find it in the beverages department. Would you be ok with lending me…

We’re so excited to find a place to stay for the Fourth of July, we’re going to ignore all the red flags about this vacation rental and hit reserve before someone else snags it. There is nothing strange about a quaint historic house where you can’t check in after 5…

“I’m eager to influence impressionable young minds.” — To The Principal at the Saint-Rémy-de-Provence: I hear, through my one good ear, that you are in need of an Arts & Crafts teacher, and I am the perfect person for this position. I worked briefly as an assistant teacher, so I have experience dealing with the challenging ways of…

For the mom who has to clean up the mess after the Mother’s Day flowers accidentally end up on the floor: 2. For the mom who has three carpools to run before 9 AM:

Marjorie Taylor Greene said that Ukraine’s openness over the past few years to form alliances with the West amounted to agitating Russia, or “poking the bear,” as she called it. — Forbes, March 22, 2022 You poked him because: He was eating peanut butter in a nut-free zone. 2. You found him in your…

Literature’s famous jilted bride is out for revenge! — 8:40 AM/Sunrise: I know today is Valentine’s Day even though I stopped my clocks and lost track of time when I was jilted on my wedding day. I can feel the romance in the air just as I feel the itch upon my raw skin. The idea of sweet love…