Hey, you! We’re so glad you stopped in today to get a tour of our facility. Our state-of-the-art gym is open to everyone. …

Thanks for inviting us to spend the holidays with you! We are looking forward! We just have a few small requests — nothing too crazy. So excited to come! You’re the best. We don’t eat potatoes, so please don’t make any. We aren’t allergic, we just can’t stand the sight…

Hey, thanks for having me over! I know I’m insanely early, but don’t mind me. I’m just going to stand here in the kitchen as you fiddle with the turkey. I would offer to help you prep for the thirteen people you invited, but I would just make things worse…

Mr. & Mrs. Elliot tried very hard to have a baby. They tried as much as Mrs. Elliot could handle at the age of forty. Many people believed they were not having a baby because of a problem with Mrs. Elliot, who was a woman and women disintegrate easily. Especially…

Contactless shopping is my own personal paradise. — Ok, family, I’m heading out to do my curbside shopping, and nothing’s going to interrupt my day of effortless bliss. I’ve got to pick up all of your “but I need this” requests without moving from the comforts of my SUV. If you need me, sorry, I can’t be bothered…

Dracula: Enter my house freely and of your own will and place the packages near the pile of boxes filled with consecrated dirt. I have tried to add “shopper’s blood” to my order, but I could not find it in the beverages department. Would you be ok with lending me…

We’re so excited to find a place to stay for the Fourth of July, we’re going to ignore all the red flags about this vacation rental and hit reserve before someone else snags it. There is nothing strange about a quaint historic house where you can’t check in after 5…

“I’m eager to influence impressionable young minds.” — To The Principal at the Saint-Rémy-de-Provence: I hear, through my one good ear, that you are in need of an Arts & Crafts teacher, and I am the perfect person for this position. I worked briefly as an assistant teacher, so I have experience dealing with the challenging ways of…

For the mom who has to clean up the mess after the Mother’s Day flowers accidentally end up on the floor: 2. For the mom who has three carpools to run before 9 AM: